Good? Bad?

day #8..

today went out for a movie.
Going out could make me feel better.
But..
When I came home..
I still feel something stuck in my heart...

*sigh*

the day..

6.25am.. Cousin miss call me. I woke up but didn't call back. Went back to bed.

Woke up at 9am.. mood not good.. because of someone angry me.

I though I'll be like this throughout the whole afternoon. And then Rachel called.
In the phone she was so angry saying: "wei Charis, the Cindy today FFK me d.. U open the gate for me now, I'm outside your house.." Me: *blank*blur* so went out open the gate.. when I wanted to lock the gate... then.. pop.. Cindy appeared.

Thanks you guys so much for making me happy.. thanks for the cake too... you guys are wonderful!

Later, we went out for lunch.. we went to Bdr Puteri to search for restaurant.. but so many cars, jam, pack.. 100% can't find parking.. So, ended up. go IOI Mall~

And we went to BBQ Plaza~




*my birthday cake from Rachel Yap and Cindy Fong.*


*me and my cousin sister..*


*Rachel Yap Carmen (pink), cousin sis (uniform), Cindy Fong (white)*


*menu?*




*what we ate today...*


*angpow? inside no money but got RM 5 voucher..also consider... money ba.. ==*


*with the dino*



*in the toilet? pic? just for fun*


*Angpow as my b'day present*

At night.. my sad mood is back.. because I sms my friend in the morning but whole day didn't reply me.. I was so sad and think he's still angry, although last night he said he's not angry anymore.. So sad, so down... I call my bro-in Christ, he then help me to called my friend. Later on, my friend reply me.. said he's just being very busy the whole day..

He said don't worry.. not angry anymore.. he explained and I said sorry again.. and now, everything is fine.. And I hope it's really fine..

oh ya.. I've type 77 times of 'thanks' today in facebook.. lolz..
Thanks for all the wishes..
and also thanks for those who sms me..~

just another day..

woke up quite early. Lying on the bed, thinking.

Just felt so regret that I 'sut' him when I'm moody. Got so said as he ask me not to sms him today.

At night, I sms him. I wanted to call him and explain. He said, don't call, just sms.

I know I'm wrong.

He said he already forgive me and he's not angry anymore.

But by the way he reply me.. I think he still feel a little angry or maybe don't wanna talk with me? I don't know.. really don't know.. don't know what guys think...

what can I do? I know, Moody doesn't means can simply scold people..
But I've said sorry many times.. I'm a girl, please, don't angry me..

I really promise.. I won't simply scold you.. no.. never ever~

6th day.. birthday eve? this is the day..
tomorrow wouldn't be any better..

5th

today.

I've made someone angry. He's really angry.

I've not been in a good mood these days. And he said something and I do not agree with it. So I reply him, just 'sut' him straight to the point.

I'm really sorry. I doesn't mean to said that. I know I shouldn't said that even though I'm in a bad mood. I'm sorry. Please forgive me, don't angry me, don't hate me. I'll not do that again.

I'm just afraid of something.. tats why I'm worried about it. And it cause my mood to be down.. I don't have the 'want' of saying that to you.. really no... You treated me really good. I appreciate it.. I know I hurt you.. I'm wrong.. I'm sorry..

I know you've bear with me sometimes, I know you did not angry me. Now, I know that I'm too over.. I know you did your best to be my 'gor'. Thank you.. and sorry.

Sad-the-day..

Saturday..saturday...

sigh..

Day 4...

I just feel so afraid..

If I don't tell out the secret which now isn't secret anymore that I can tell many people..
They will still continue mistaken something.. something that isn't real, isn't true.. that they have been saying all this while..

If I tell out. I'm worried what if they tell him my whole story...

h.a.r.d..d.e.c.i.s.i.o.n...

I did tell out to a few friends. I hope they will keep it..

better than yesterday...

Yesterday was so depress till I can't stand it and find Rachel & Cindy today..
Avoid being alone, moody..

So today, just chat chat chat with them... Cindy went to help her mum at 3pm. So Rachel & I went to 'mamak' to chit chat... talk non-stop.... I've tell her everything... she tell me hers too.. finally, we get the chance to tell out everything from the time we did this.. wonder how long ago... =D

Third day... sigh

Everyone has been asking me what had happen.. So since he already knew the answer.. so I could tell the secret to them.. no more secret to be kept..

All this while.. many people have mistaken me liking a guy which I don't. And they can't guess who's the guy that I like.. It's so ridiculous! damm! They hurt me deeply pierce into my heart..

What they guess isn't right... What they said before is right neither.. They don't really know who I like and simply guess who is the guy and said I like him... terrible..

But, I won't blame those who already know the whole story.. It's also my fault because I keep this secret from you guys.. sorry~

So, from now on.. those who know everything, stop saying about it anymore.. For those whom I didn't tell or doesn't want to tell.. you guys can continue to think that way.. I've got no more energy to bother! Just don't do it over my limit.. don't make me explode..

Day #2

sigh.

I'm fine the whole morning.
Don't know why afternoon I burst out.
Cried like mad in the room..
Maybe because I see show... people crying, couple together..

My cry today is worst than yesterday..
I think because I didn't finish crying yesterday and my 'gor' keep telling me to stop crying.. stop...
I didn't get to let all out yesterday.. 'gor' disturbed me.. haiz... but I won't blame him... I know he was trying his best not allowing me to cry...

And I realize.. these few days, I can't listen to 'sad' music... definitely will cry..
so charm.. wanna listen to song also can't... sigh!

I've deleted the music in my blog.. wait till I've 'recovered' I only put it back..
since I don't really like 'rock' songs.. I love slow and sad love songs more.. so can't find songs to put..

over.finished..

Finally,
with the help of my 'gor',
I get the send out the sms to ask him.

I can't blame him for the answer, it'll make him looks very 'innocent' because he doesn't know what is happening.
From now on, I'll keep telling myself, be normal,
just friend.. tats all.

Over.. Past..

Of cause after getting the answer,
tears started pouring out..
it's normal..
Non-stop..
is like I have a big full tank of tears in me..
keep flowing out of my eyes..
when can it stop?
But at last,
I got the answer straight from him,
without hearing the answer from friends.

Actually, I've got the answer already..
but I just don't believe, because of his actions..
got hurt the first time, now the second time..
and it's worst...
Anyhow, it's over..
I need to wake up..
anyone, please wake me up..
please!

Thanks 'gor' for comforting.
Thank you. But, give me time.. I'll stop crying.. I'm trying my best..

Thanks 'darling' that you've sms me..
thanks for caring about me.. I'll try not to sad for long..

But, hope you all will bear with me when you see my sad face
I hope you all won't get to see it anymore..


While typing here, my 'gor' sms me,
he wrote:
"you just cry ba, just cry cry cry, but for today only k?............."

After seeing this,
I just burst out.. cried.. even worst than my evening cries right after I see his answer in my hp..

After a 'big' cry, I feel much better, but still sad..
Will recover, but not that soon..
I hope it'll recover soon...


Trying my best.. give me time..

Can't wait..

The clock is ticking.. non-stop.
One hour to go and it'll be 12 noon..
Part of the days has gone by..

I keep telling myself to be brave to ask..
Finally, I choose today..
Can't wait to know, but too nervous to ask..
weird feeling...
sigh..
afraid.. it's beating very fast...

Thanks

Thanks 'gor' for caring about me.
Thanks for being with me when I'm at my lowest, comforting me and making me strong.
You are such a great 'gor'. thank you.

But anything you've told me now, is useless as I'm 'lost' in his world...
Whatever things you said, that you ask me to forget and said I should move on.. look forward.. is useless right now...
You told me to just be happy.. I tried but fail.. just can't stop thinking... sorry 'gor'.. but anyway, thanks for being a good 'gor'..

song suits me~囚鸟

囚鸟

我是被你囚禁的鸟
已经忘了天有多高
如果离开你给我的小小城堡
不知还有谁能依靠
我是被你囚禁的鸟
得到的爱越来越少
看着你的笑在别人眼中燃烧
我却要不到一个拥抱
我像是一个你可有可无的影子
冷冷地看着你说谎的样子
这缭乱的城市
容不下我的痴
是什么让你这样迷恋这样的放肆
我像是一个你可有可无的影子
和寂寞交换着悲伤的心事
对爱无计可施
这无味的日子
眼泪是唯一的奢侈
我是被你囚禁的鸟
已经忘了天有多高
如果离开你给我的小小城堡
不知还有谁能依靠
我像是一个你可有可无的影子
冷冷地看着你说谎的样子
这撩乱的城市
容不下我的痴
是什么让你这样迷恋这样的放肆
我像是一个你可有可无的影子
和寂寞交换着悲伤的心事
对爱无计可施
这无味的日子
眼泪是唯一的奢侈
我像是一个你可有可无的影子
冷冷地看着你说谎的样子
这缭乱的城市
容不下我的痴
是什么让你这样迷恋这样的放肆
我像是一个你可有可无的影子
和寂寞交换着悲伤的心事
对爱无计可施
这无味的日子
眼泪是唯一的奢侈

get away from me. T.T

Why? Why now you treat me much better than last time? where I already know your answer from my friend.
Please don't treat me so good now. It makes me can't give up on you, you know?
In the past, I hope you would be good to me, care for me but you didn't.
Now, when I got the answer and I'm trying my best to give up and forget you, you came into my life with you being so gentle and caring to me.
why?
Each time, when you are good to me, I just - so like it. It makes me can't give up on you..

why? exams is round the corner and you are wondering in my mind..
why can't you just leave me alone as you have already tell out your answer.. why?
I know you want to be just 'best friend', but I can't accept this.. because, you hurt me and I know it's not your fault..
Each time, when I'm thinking of you, I just feel like crying.. you make my life miserable.
I'm trying my best to avoid you but you keep coming closer to me..
I try not to get angry while taking to you but sometimes, I can't.. After scolding you, I felt sorry for you.. why?

should I hate you? or should not? do you know that you are who? 'you'!
since you have said out your answer, just leave me alone...

sad news

I received a sms from my friend this early morning, a news which I don't want to hear from her.

When I saw it, I just can't control my tears and just let it out. cried in class and when I can't stand anymore, I went out from the classroom.

Then, I made a phone call to her. Her voice there doesn't seems like she had cried before.

I think she wants us not to worry about her, so she don't want us to see/hear her cry. At that moment when I heard this news, I was so sad. I bet she was even worst than I was!

She maybe doesn't want to tell or express out her feeling because she doesn't want me and her another best friend to worry about her as me and that best friend will have exams in one week time.

Sorry dear, I can't accompany you went I got the sad news from you. I'm sorry~

I would prefer you to let it out rather than letting it 'stuck' inside your heart. let it out. Tell me and Cindy~

We both will try our very best to be with you when you really need us~

Remember God is with you always. Be sad for today and get back to your joyful life the next day..

I bet she is with God now, together looking after her family, YOU!

break, broke, broken..

I've got the answer that I don't want to hear, twice.

The first time, i didn't want to accept, and I heard it the second time..

I have to accept it.

Feeling desperately sad.

But someone told me that what if the answer wasn't the true one?

This makes me hold on to it and not to let it go..

Some people ask me to forget it and let it go..

so confuse..

Exam is round the corner...

Am afraid that it would affect my exams..

How.. Lord... How... Help Me Lord~

CARING - HURTS

These two words are the best combination.

Caring - Hurts.....

The more you care about others, you'll get hurt easily..

This happened to me, I know it, I knew the feeling, I have had hurt before, hurt so badly because of my decision that I have made, that I choose to care for others, get into their problem, tried to fix it.... and then, who got hurt? me.... me... they?? didn't feel anything. Maybe they or even everyone besides me only thought about my foolish action of being a 'busy body'.

Caring - hurts.... is so true... and I'm totally agree with it.

But what to do? We, Christians, are call to help one another, help our neighbors, love one another, care for one another.

It's very tiring, really tired of telling them, talking to them, ask them to forgive, repeat it over and over again... without fail....

God's testing me, whether will I give up easily or not....
God's challenging me.